Visiting a Parent in Memory Care: How Often, What Helps, and Going Home

None of the medical sources used for this page gives a number, and no California rule does either. What the law does is protect the visit itself. Memory care in California is provided in assisted living communities and board and care homes, licensed as residential care facilities for the elderly (RCFEs). The residents' bill of rights, Health and Safety Code section 1569.269, includes the right to have relatives and other people of the resident's choosing visit during reasonable hours, privately and without prior notice. The other rights are in resident rights in a California RCFE.

The National Institute on Aging's advice after a move is to check in regularly to see how the person is doing. It adds that you probably know the person best, and suggests looking for signs that they need more attention, are getting too much or too little medication, or are not getting the care they need. Visits are how you see those things. If something worries you, raise it with the staff that day.

Some homes suggest short visits in the first weeks. That is a suggestion, not a rule. The move itself is covered in moving a parent with dementia.

As for the hour, the National Institute on Aging's advice on outings applies well to visits: plan for the time of day when the person is at their best, and do not let it run so long that they become too tired. Ask the staff when that is for your parent now. Late-day confusion has its own guide, sundowning and behavior changes.

It also helps to know the home's routine, so a visit adds to the day and does not cut across a meal, a bath or a favorite activity. Our guide to daily life and activities in memory care explains how homes set up the day.

The Alzheimer's Association describes how communication changes across the stages of Alzheimer's disease and what tends to help at each one. Its advice is summarized here:

The National Institute on Aging's list of do's and don'ts overlaps with this. Make eye contact and use the person's name. Allow extra time for a reply. Try different words if you are not understood. Do not interrupt or argue, do not speak in an angry or tense tone, and do not talk about the person as if they were not there. One item surprises many families: do not ask the person whether they remember something or someone.

A visit does not have to be a conversation. The National Institute on Aging lists everyday activities that people with Alzheimer's may enjoy, and most of them work in a care home or its garden:

• Play music, talk about the song and the artist, or sing along to songs they know well.
• Take a walk together or do gentle exercise.
• Water or tend plants and talk about how they are growing.
• Fold laundry, sort items or set a table together.
• Sit with or stroke a pet, if the home allows animals to visit.
• Bring children for a simple board game or a story.
• Look at photographs. The Alzheimer's Association suggests photos and other reminders to help a person recall important relationships and places.

For the late stage, the Alzheimer's Association says it is all right not to know what to say, because your presence and friendship matter most.

This is one of the hardest moments of a visit, and no source used here offers words that make it stop. The guidance that exists is about how to respond.

The National Institute on Aging says to be supportive and listen to any concerns, but not to argue with the person about why they need to be there. The Alzheimer's Association gives matching advice for the middle stage: avoid arguing, and if the person says something you do not agree with, let it be. It also suggests considering the feelings behind the words, because the emotion being expressed is sometimes more important than what is said.

For moments of confusion, the Association suggests responding with a brief explanation and not overwhelming the person with long statements or reasons. For anger, the Institute suggests being patient and trying a distraction, such as a favorite snack or a walk outside, and taking time to calm down yourself if you become frustrated.

Tell the staff when it happens, and ask what they see after you leave and what they do. If the requests come with new distress or a sudden change in behavior, the Alzheimer's Association advises a medical evaluation to rule out other causes.

The Alzheimer's Association says that in the later stages a person may not recognize family members, may forget relationships or may call family members by other names, and that these changes are among the most painful for families. Its suggestions are to stay calm and try not to make your hurt apparent, to respond with a brief explanation, and to use photos and other reminders.

The National Institute on Aging's point is worth holding on to here. The person may not always remember who the visitor is, but they often enjoy the company. What the late stage involves, and how hospice can support a family, is in late-stage dementia and hospice in memory care.

The National Institute on Aging says people early in the disease may still enjoy the same kinds of outings they always did, and advises going out as long as you are both comfortable. For a meal out it suggests a quiet restaurant the person likes, at off hours, earlier in the day, with a table near the bathroom. Tell the home before you take your parent out, and ask how it handles signing out and medications.

For holidays, the Institute suggests limiting the number of visitors at any one time, having a quiet space where the person can take a break, and avoiding crowds, changes in routine and strange places that may leave them confused or nervous.

Hamssa Benrekia is a senior living placement specialist in Torrance who helps families in the South Bay and Harbor area of Los Angeles County with memory care placement. When she asks about preferences, tell her where the people who will visit live, so the shortlist can take that into account. She checks in after a move, but she is not the home's staff and does not direct care.

To talk about finding a home close to the people who will visit, contact Hamssa. More topics are in the California Assisted Living Placement Guide.